Title: FORCED TO FLY
Genre: YA Fantasy
My talent was about the only thing that made my parents
happy. [Nice!] And in my sixteen years [see, I am not a fan of introducing your MC’s age this
obviously.] of experience, I had learned their happiness usually ended
in my suffering. So when they called me for dinner, their voices high and
excited, a hard knot formed in the pit of my stomach. I walked into the kitchen
where they sat at the table, holding hands and smiling. The knot in my
stomach grew. [I’m liking this! It feels authentic.]
Our best silver platters were piled high with fish, chicken,
and rice. We had fruit and rolls topped our
porcelain bowls. and our crystal pitchers were
filled to the brim with tea. Eating well was not rare for us. Eating for a
family of ten was. [Huh? Eating for a family of ten? Are you trying to say “as a family of ten”? Or
are they pretending to be a family of ten? I’m a little confused by the wording
here.]
Dad cleared his throat. “We’ve decided-”
“Wait until she sits,” Mom said.
I didn’t sit, and I didn’t touch the food. Not that it was poisoned; my
parents wouldn’t do that. After all, if I died, my talent would die with
me, and then I’d be about as valuable as the platter of dead fish. But if they
were going to wait until I sat to speak, I’d continue standing.
They exchanged a glance and then looked back to me.
“We’re registering you in the Talent Show,” Mom said.
The little I had eaten that day
threatened to come back up. [I moved this over from the end of the paragraph to
here, because I think it fits better in this spot.] My teeth
clenched. Our kingdom held Talent Shows four times a year. If a child’s
talent impressed the judges, the parents were rewarded. If the child didn’t
impress, the child suffered the consequences. [What
consequences? I’d like to at least be hinted.]
Oooh, I like this! Nice voice, nice
world-building, and the MC feels very believable. I’d definitely read on!
(Sorry, I know that was a lame critique. I don’t have much to say.)
* Comments are welcomed. Each critique comment you make on the entries' posts, is an entry into the drawing to win one of five 500 word critiques from me (Brenda). It can be ANY 250 words -- your query, the first page, or a page any where in the manuscript that you want a second pair of eyes on.
I like the voice and concept but there is are somethings I'm having trouble making sense of -- could just be me.
ReplyDeleteFrom the meal, we learn that the family has nice things and eats well, and is most likely not poor. Unless her talent is producing wealth or food, I'm not understand how it is only the MCs talent that makes them smile and that is a sign that they going to do something bad.
These are thoughts I had when reading. I hope they help.
I really like this. But I had a few speedbumps. Why did the parent's happiness end in the MC's suffering? I don't know what that means. Who did they add tot he family dinner - it went from three to ten? Not sure what that means. Love the world building and the concept of child's talents. Would like to know more about that. And of course, what are the consequences. Nice! Fresh. Good luck!
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