Brenda Drake Writes . . . under the influence of coffee

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #7

2012-02-11T06:01:00.008-07:00

We're on the fourth day of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

Next up is ...

Name: DL Hammons

Title: Fallen Knight

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Word count: 105,000. B's notes: You might be a little over the mark with this word count. Check out these sites about word count here and here.

Pitch:

The Knights, middle-age friends, team with a female Private Investigator to find the person who attacked one of their group. Instead they stumble across a psychological killer intent on recreating high profile atrocities,including Columbine.

B's notes: You have some great information in this pitch, but I'm not connecting to it. Who is your MC? Does he fall for the female PI? What kind of group are the Knights? Do they ride Harley's? How was one of the group members attacked? I think the disconnect is because I don't know who's going to tell the story. A logline works best as a one-sentence pitch. A good formula to follow is... When such and such happens, the main character must do this in order to accomplish this. If you need more help with this, tell me more about your story in the comments and I'll give it a shot.

B's additional notes: After getting more information from DL, I gave his logline a shot. I'm not sure if this works, so please chime in down in the comments to help out. So here it is...

'When a fellow Knight member falls victim to a psychological killer's recreation of a high profile murder, Lee must join forces with (Name), a feisty investigator, to stop the creep before he enacts another Columbine.'

Yeah, I'm pretty much a fan of the 'When Formula'. Ha!

Excerpt:

Today was the day.

B's notes: This first line doesn't hook. Today was the day for what? I'd add something more enticing to this sentence.

Brady Jones told himself the same thing every morning. Deep down, he knew it was simply lip service, a way of puffing up his confidence and reminding him that on any given day, his life could change for the better. Just as it had in the other direction. He supposed he was like one of those people who bought lottery tickets every week, always looking forward to the possibilities. Like them, he never wasted time worrying about the countless days when his prediction had turned out to be false, preferring to remain optimistic. After all, the change he hoped for didn’t have to be anything earth shattering. Nowadays, his expectations were set pretty low.

B's notes: The writing flows nicely in this excerpt. I'm just waiting for something to happen.

This morning was different, though. He actually believed his pep talk. Self-assurance surged through him. It was already May, and the end of the school year was just a few weeks away.

B's notes: The writing is good here, but there isn't anything drawing me into your story. What is unique about your MC? All I get from this is that he's down on his luck and hopes things get better. Who are the Knights? I think your story starts someplace else. Maybe when the friend is murdered? Or possibly at a Knight get together. Check the next few pages or chapters to see if there is a better scene to start with. I've cut pages and sometimes chapters to find the perfect starting point in my stories. Remember, if this is important to the story, you can always add it in later after we are connected to it.

I hope this helps!

Remember this is subjective and others' may feel differently. So I'll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing ... be nice, which I'm sure you all will be, but I have to say it ... you know.

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #8

2012-02-11T06:00:00.002-07:00

Next up is ...

Name: TL Sumner

Title: FORBIDDEN SECRETS

Genre: YA

Word Count: 94,000

Pitch:

In a world where Celtic immortals live secretly among us, a seventeen-year old strong-willed track star and an eighteen-year old chivalrous Highlander must outwit an evil immortal before he permanently settles a centuries-old blood feud.

B's notes: Parts of the pitch intrigues me, but it's too vague. I'm vacillating between thinking this is just fine and thinking that it isn't. I think I would connect more if I knew the characters name. How is the evil immortal going to permanently settle the feud? Is he going to destroy the world? Or just wipe out the group he's feuding with? I think a little more tweaking would make this perfect. Something like... (Notice I'm not using my logline formula here. See I can have an open mind...sometimes.)

'In a world where Celtic immortals live secretly among us, Sara, a strong-willed track star, and Nathan, a chivalrous Highlander, must outwit an evil immortal before he destroys the world (or add bad thing he does here).'

Of course, use the characters' actual names. I think the ages and the things they do or what not made the pitch clunky. My sample leaves you five words to describe that evil thing the evil guy does.

Excerpt:

I always failed at ordinary.

Ordinary wouldn’t have weird, freaky, come-true dreams or a scar that ached when something god-awful was about to happen. Ordinary wouldn’t have guilt hanging over my head like an anvil. And ordinary would’ve snuggled under the warmth of my down comforter, especially on a rain-soaked Sunday. Instead, I dashed down the hardwood stairs and into the kitchen, runner-ready with iPod in hand, prepared to shave at least ten seconds off last week’s time.

Without looking away from the Asheville Citizen Times, Mom handed me my cell phone. “Sweetheart, do us both a favor. Don’t ignore your father this morning.”

Dad’s text read: Love the hills and they’ll love you back. Before I’d finished reading, the phone chirped again: Be one with the mud.

As I skimmed the article implying Dad’s contract wouldn’t be renewed, I hid the ache in my wrist because Mom didn’t need another reason to worry.

B's notes: I completely loved this right up to the last paragraph, which confused me. Is her mother reading the article? Or is it on the back page and she spots it? Make that clear. And why does she have an ache in wrist? Did she cut it once and it still hurts? Maybe figure out a better way to convey why her wrist aches. It could all be answered in the next paragraph, but I don't know. The voice here is great. The writing great. I would definitely read on.

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #5

2012-02-10T06:02:00.000-07:00

So it's now the third day of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

And our next ~~victim~~ participant is ...

Name: Colleen Hampton
Title: KISSING TITANS
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Word count: 87,000

Pitch:

Thrown into an ancient war where the combatants are immortal and to lose means an eternity of torture, Rhyan Strong fights for a love she never knew she wanted and the revenge she never dreamed possible.

B's note: From what I can tell this sounds like a great story. I'm confused by the fact she never dreamed revenge possible. Why is that? Who is she seeking revenge on? I'm assuming she's immortal? If she is, did she know it before all this happened? Who threw her into the ancient war? I love the love she never knew she wanted part and the war where the combatants are immortal. This is just a little vague, but I think it would pique an agent's interest. If you want to answer the questions above in the comments, I'll take a shot at the logline.

B's additional note: After getting some questions answered from Colleen in the comments, I'm going to take a stab at her logline. Remember the pitch is meant to entice an agent to read on. You don't have to get every detail into the pitch. Narrow in on the inciting event and stakes.

'When Ryhan is caught in the middle of an ancient war between immortals, where losing means an eternity of torture, she'll risk death to save the immortal she loves and get the revenge she desires.'

Excerpt:

“Are you serious? This is a LOG cabin,(comma)” I snapped. The whole thing could have been built with life size Lincoln Logs. The door, shutters,(comma - you may not be a fan of the Oxford comma, but I am - so you decide here) and roof were bright green and made of tin.

“I know!” Katherine squealed. “I’ve always wanted to try rustic.”

As if you can put on a place like an outfit.

“Home sweet home.” She sighed.

It’s not that I hate my mother, Katherine. B's additional note: I'd put something here about her mother's insanity. Maybe like... 'Besides how can you hate someone who's diagnosed as insane?' I just can’t forgive her. I know I should, (comma) but I can’t. My therapist used words like ‘post traumatic stress syndrome’ and ‘survivor guilt’ but all I know is I can’t forgive her and the guilt chews me up.

This is my twelfth move in nine years. B's additional note: Is she moving with her mom? Or are they on vacation? You could mention the foster care here somehow like ... 'Living in foster care sucks.') Given that I’m seventeen that means I’ve moved at least once every year since I was eight.

The morning we arrived in Montana, (comma - without a comma it becomes a squinting modifier - The morning we arrived in Montana or in Montana the sky was...) the sky was a horizontal rainbow of pastels dripping lazily towards the Earth like long pulls of saltwater taffy sold warm and chewy on the boardwalk of my last town.

B's notes: This is well written and I'm interested in finding out what they'll discover around this rustic cabin. I'm curious what Rhyan's mother did that she can't forgive. Especially since it's something that made her go see a therapist. Is there a reason you're keeping why she's not forgiving her mother from the reader? If there isn't a reason, I think you should fit it in here. I would read on. If you can get that pitch right,I bet you'll get requests to read more.

I hope this helps!

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #6

2012-02-10T06:01:00.001-07:00

It's day three of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

And next up ...

Name: Mara Rae

Title: Forever Friday B's note: I love this title

Genre: YA Paranormal

Word Count: 85,500

Pitch:

When Friday discovers she isn’t just an immortal, but also the only one capable of killing another, she must leave everyone she loves or risk becoming a deadly weapon in the world’s oldest blood feud.

B's note: Love the pitch! Love the name. Love that she's an immortal and can kill other immortals. Love that she can be used as a deadly weapon. Perfect!

Excerpt:

Nothing lasts forever.

B's note: This is too cliche for my tastes - You can use this phrase but I would mix it up and make it your own. Especially since it's your first line and your hook. Something like...

'Not even immortals last forever.'

I'm sure you can come up with something better that fits your story.

That’s what my mom would have (you could use a contraction here - would've) said if she’d been there. She was always full of those little bits of grown-up wisdom, the kind that sound so good in theory but don’t really make you feel any better. Disappointment, heartache, anger; they all fade eventually. Even diamonds don’t really last forever. If she’d been there, my mom would have (would've) told me that the razor-sharp pain of grief would some day wither to a dull ache, and finally, to nothing at all. But she couldn’t, because she was gone.

Un milagro, they called me. A miracle. I heard the nurses whisper it to each other as they passed my hospital room. I saw it on the news for three days before my story was overshadowed by celebrity gossip and political scandals. And it was the first thing the Chilean doctor said to me when my scan results came back normal.

B's notes: Great excerpt! I'd just work on that first line. Was she in an accident with her mother and her mother died and she didn't? How did she survive? You really got me wanting to turn the page and read on.

I hope this helps!

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #4

2012-02-09T06:02:00.001-07:00

Today is the second day of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I will be critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

Next up is ...

Name: Jani Grey

Title: Denizens

Genre: Young Adult Urban Fantasy

Word Count: 73,000

Pitch:

It’s easy to build a reputation as an infamous thief when nobody knows your secret, but soon Fairley will have to employ her talent for using mirrors as doorways to save her freedom and herself.

B's notes: Infamous thief. Talent to make mirrors into doorways. Oh my! Fun. This is near perfect, except the ending 'to save her freedom and herself'. Maybe just end it at 'save herself'. Is that the only goal in the story? To save herself and get free? Is there another one? I tend to ask a lot of questions when critiquing pitches. It helps to know more and whittle it down to less. Work on getting that last part more exciting. You can run it by me again if you want.

Excerpt:

One of the most beautiful mirrors I’d seen in a long time stood at the end of a pathway in a cluttered antique store, and it took my breath away. It had twisting, curling detail all around its edges and the frame shone midnight black. The paint flecked in places revealing a red the color of rich wine. My fingers moved over the metal then skimmed over the reflecting surface, tracing patterns in the dust that covered it. I wanted it.

I was so deep in thought I didn’t even realize when my fingers went right through the surface of the mirror without breaking it. I jerked my hand back out and scanned the area for any unwanted spectators,(remove comma) but found nobody. Relief eased my tight shoulders somewhat but didn’t release all the tension there.

The walk back to the front of the shop was quick since I took a route I’d familiarized myself with over the last couple of months.

I love the premise of this story, it sounds exciting. Though this is well written, the opening page doesn't draw me in. I don't believe this is where your story begins. Every manuscript I've written, I end up cutting away several pages (even chapters) to get to the correct starting point. You want to capture your reader (and an agent) right off. The first sentence isn't a good enough hook to do the job either. You can always put this scene in later, if it's needed. You could probably even keep this scene if you showed us what happened. Make it exciting. Show us her fright. It's so quick -- she puts her hand through the mirror, draws it back, and is relieved -- I'm impassive about it. Actually, paragraph two might be a good place to start with more details and emotions added. All and all, I think this idea is great!

I hope this helps! <3

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #3

2012-02-09T06:01:00.005-07:00

So today is the second day of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

And our next ~~victim~~ participant is ...

Name: Hope Roberson

Title: My Protector: The Calling

Genre: YA Post Apocalyptic

Word Count: 68,000

Pitch:

When Eri develops an internal link to the man-eating beasts plaguing the planet, she must control the Calling and secretly learn the skills of a Protector before she ends up dead.

B's notes: I don't have enough information in this pitch. What's the calling? What skills does a Protector have? How does the internal link work? Answer these questions in the comments and I'll see what I can do with it. Right now, this pitch is too vague.

B's update: After getting more information from Hope, I've taken a shot at her pitch. I think the problem was that Hope was trying to give us all of Eri skills in the small space of a logline. It helps to give one succulent detail to entice an agent. Read her information in the comments and let me know what you think. Together, we can help her come up with a better one. Here's mine...

'When Eri develops the Calling, an internal link to the man-eating beasts plaguing her planet, she must learn how to use her inherited skills against the creatures before they destroy everything she loves.'

Excerpt:

Going to the river was forbidden. I knew this, yet it didn’t keep me from stepping off the gravel path or walking into the field.

B's notes: I like this opening. I get a real sense of who Eri is here. She seems like a rebel.

My heart banged against its cage of ribs. The space in my lungs shrunk. I sucked in a shallow breath, enough to nearly taste the crisp grass beneath my feet.

B's notes: Why not just say 'rib cage' here instead of 'cage of ribs'. And who's rib cage is it? The way it's written, it sounds like it belongs to the heart not Eri. The rest of this is great - I feel her nervousness. But what is she nervous about? I think you need another line here. Something that tells us why she's nervous, like...

'My heart banged against my rib cage. If I continued, my dad would whip me.'

Of course, that's kind of lame and I'm sure it doesn't fit the story, but I just wanted to give you an example of what I meant. I'm the 'show me' type, that's how I grasp things best (I was going to say 'that's how I roll' but I was sure I'd get an eye-roll from Shelley).

Stop your feet, Eri!

From the twilight behind me, a stifled gong sang out across the village, ringing through my insides. The warning bell.

B's notes: It's a stifled gong, so could it ring through her insides? And is twilight only behind her or completely around her? This sentence isn't working for me. Couldn't she just hear the gong? You should probably give more detail here, like ...

'Twilight settled around me. I sat on my heels and picked a yellow wildflower from the river bank.The petals sagged, knowing their doom. A stifled gong sang out from the village. I straightened, holding my breath, listening, uncertain of what I heard. The gong went off again. I dropped the flower and sprinted toward home.'

Again, kind of lame, probably doesn't fit your story, but you get the gist. Bring us into the scene, but keep us on edge.

I watched figures flee for safety, their shouts carried across the distance growing between us.

B's notes: How did she get back so fast? There isn't enough setting for me. I have no idea how far from the village she is or if she made it to the river. Did she hear the gong in the field? Is she barely out of the village? And if she's barely out of the village, why is the gong stifled? What are the figures (could be dogs, but most likely they're humans) and what are they running from? How is the distance growing between them? Is she moving away? Is she running from the village? I need more details. Is she afraid and trying to get away?

But the charcoal sky and inky river invited me forward. My emotion stumbled and collided like the rapids crashing against rock. Thoughts swirled through my head and I reached up to steady myself, squeezing my eyes shut against the confusion. I pressed my hands over my ears, begging the pounding inside to leave me alone. “Please stop, please stop, please stop,please stop, please stop—”

B's notes: Why does she have this urge to go to the river? What kind of emotion is she having? Sadness? Terror? What thoughts are swirling through her head? What's confusing her? Let your readers know. This is how we get to know your character.

From what I can tell, this premise sounds intriguing. Actually this scene could be great. The problem, we need more details and it feels too vague for me to connect to the character and the setting. Flesh this scene out. Don't over do it, just sprinkle small details that will help clear up what's going on here.

I hope this helps!

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #2

2012-02-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

Name: Kate
Title: Possessing Mortality B's notes: I'm scratching my head at this title. I get it, after reading the pitch, but it doesn't roll off the tongue very well. At a conference, the agents talked about how important a title is for your manuscript. It has to hook just as the first line and first page does. Possibly some sharper verbs here that mean the same thing? Death Grip, Amassed Souls, Soulemny...I don't know, play with it. I could be wrong, others may think differently.

Genre: YA Paranormal
Word count: 52,000

Pitch:

Maggie, a Soul Collector, is about to be promoted, but finds herself stuck inside a teen mean girl and vulnerable to her long forgotten and dark past making her question what side she is on.

B's notes: Okay, this is near perfect for me. I know the stakes and I get a sense of the voice. I did get tongue-tied on teen mean girl and there's too many ands. And I need more about what of hers is stuck inside this mean girl and where. I'd rework it like this...

'Maggie, a Soul Collector, is due for promotion, but when her soul gets stuck inside a mean girl's body, she becomes vulnerable to her forgotten dark past, making her question what side she's really on.'

Excerpt:

“Dylan.” I snapped my fingers at the shivering ginger-haired boy staring at the passing cars.

Great, here we go again with the post-traumatic, or should I say post-death syndrome. Dylan came to my service a few weeks ago and his training sheet was—shall I say—lacking. Any presence of a car would turn the kid into a pile of nerves. On the human plane those machines were everywhere, so I had to guide him easily through his training as a Soul Collector. Felix, my boss, constantly urged me to be easy with the newbies but after years—and years—of being a training officer, I couldn’t help but make the job a little fun.

Our target, Joseph Landry, exited the deli—or should I say waddled from—with his brown paper bag filled to the brim with greasy food. The smell washed over me and I practically gagged. Humans tended to put the most horrific things into their bodies.

B's notes: I love this. Great voice! But I do have a few suggestions. I think the third paragraph would make a better hook and should be moved to the first. Then continue as the other two are. Also, I think you should say what time period Dylan is from, since he gets nervous about cars and all. You'll notice that I added practically to gagged. I don't think she's actually gagging (choking/retching) here. If she were, she'd need CPR or a vomit bag. So practically is needed. All and all, nice writing.

I hope this helps! <3

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #1

2012-02-08T06:01:00.009-07:00

So today is the first day of our pitch workshop. For the next ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I will be critiquing two pitches each. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

And lucky #1 is ...

Name: Sonia Pereira Murphy

Working Title: “Dancing Frogs, Marilyn Monroe, and Bad Eggs”

B's notes: I'm not sure about this title. Your pitch doesn't hint to the frogs, Marilyn or bad eggs. I'm curious how they all tie into this story though.

Genre: Middle-Grade Realistic Fiction
Word Count: 55,000

Pitch:

It’s 1957 and newly orphaned Pearl is living with a grandmother she barely knows in a strange town. Can Pearl find happiness as the odd girl out or will she forever be a bad egg?

B's notes: There isn't anything unique in this pitch. There are a lot of books with orphans living with their grandmothers, trying to fit in, and find happiness. Try to bring what is different about your book into your pitch. What does Pearl do that is special to accomplish her goals?

First 150 words:

In the beginning there was an accident. I wasn’t there but that doesn’t mean I don’t see it. On the contrary, I see it as if it’s being played before me on a film projector: in Technicolor and crystal clear.

B's notes: After reading this first paragraph, it felt too old sounding for an MG. Choose your verbs to match the voice of your point of view character. Something like...

'Once there was this accident. I wasn't there but that doesn't mean I didn't see it. I saw it. I saw it as if it was playing right before my eyes. You know, on a film projector or something. Technicolor. Crystal clear.'

Pat Boone’s chocolatey voice swims through the car radio like a witch’s love spell, making my parents sleepy with happiness. Mama holds Dad’s hand as she closes her eyes, thinking of the banana pancakes she’s going to make me the next morning. Because the next day is Sunday and that’s been banana pancake day for as long as I can remember.

B's notes: Again, this is sounding too old. I think this kid would be thinking more about the banana pancakes than how Dad is holding her hand and what Mom is dreaming. I'm nervous that Pat Boone is crooning Dad to sleep, if he's driving.

Wait. You said Pearl (though we don't know her name yet) is seeing this replay as if she was there, right? Okay, I think a kid wouldn't get this. Because I had to think about it before I realized what was going on here. For a moment there, I thought Pearl was in the back seat. Don't hint at this and expect a kid to catch on. Mention it again. Like...

'I wanted to scream at him. Wake up! Watch the road! But I wasn't there, you see.'

Dad looks at her smiley-sleepy face and grins, his crooked white teeth glistening like stars.

B's notes: Now this is the voice. Smiley-sleepy face, grins, crooked white teeth glistening like stars -- perfect words for MG!

“Why, aren’t you a lazyhead,” he says, struggling to keep his own eyes open. Open enough to realize that the streetlamps on the winding country road in Stockbridge, Massachusetts have all gone out. That it must have been due to the wind they had watched fluster the trees as they sipped their after-dinner coffee from the safety of The Red Lion Inn’s dining room.

B's notes: I don't think you should start your story here. The Sunday banana pancakes piqued my interest. It's unique and sweet. Is there a place in your story that you can start at that would pull a young reader in? You can always have her remember what happened later, when we're further into the read. Find your hook. Both in your 35-word pitch and the opening pages. If you choose to keep this opening, I'd pick more kid friendly verbs and put in things that a kid would notice. Like banana pancakes.

I hope this helps! <3

Pitch Workshop ... instructions

2012-02-07T06:00:00.007-07:00

It's time for those of you who made it into the pitch workshop to submit your pitches to brendadrakecontest@gmail.com. This only for the 60 that made it on the sign up here.

Please format your email submissions as follows...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: brendadrakecontests@gmail.com

Subject: Pitch Workshop

Name: The name you want on your post

Title: Your MS Title

Genre: Any Genre

Word count: The number of words in your manuscript - like - 70,000 (word count matters and we'll tell you if yours is off)

Pitch:

35-word (exact) pitch

Excerpt:

The first 150 words of your manuscript (if the 150th word falls in the middle of a sentence, then please go to the end of that sentence.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your critiquers...

Cassandra Marshall

Shelley Watters

Brenda Drake

We'll be posting two each on all three of our sites for ten days starting February 8th. So hurry and get your pitches into us. First come first served. Your pitches will be open to critiques from others. And you can also post them on your own blogs if you'd like more feedback.

On the final critique day, we'll announce one winner of a fantabulous door prize by Editor Cassandra on each of our sites (that's three prizes).

That's it!

Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, & Cassandra Marshall

2012-02-01T10:20:00.008-07:00

The workshop is filled. Yay! We'll have details up in a few days on where to send your pitches and when we'll posting them, so come back soon and check for details!

Come join the fun and get your pitch ready for a major pitching event coming in March. My critique buddies and I are critiquing 20 pitches each. Not only that, but you'll get critiques from your fellow writer bloggers! Win!

Here's how it's going down ...

The first 60 entries in the linky below will qualify to submit their 35-word pitch and first 150 words of their Adult, YA, or MG (any genre) manuscript for critiquing. You many only enter once. We'll critique them and post them to our sites for further critiques from your writing friends. We will pull three random door prize winners for the editing certificates from Editor Cassandra. If we don't reach 60 entrants before February 17th, we'll close the linky and split the participants between us. Simple.

Please only enter if you want your entries posted to our sites for critiques.

Here's your critiquers (click on their names to learn more about them)...

Brenda Drake

Shelley Watters

Cassandra Marshall

What are you waiting for? Sign up now! If the linky doesn't close at 60, we still are only going to 60. All entries after that will be erased.

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Psst ... I have BIG news

2012-01-31T06:00:00.001-07:00

I got THE call! Okay, well, really my husband got the Call since I put his phone number on my manuscript. Doh! You see, our numbers are the same except for the last two digits so I mixed them up. It can happen. Then when the agent asked for my number, my husband gave his number to her again. Yes, that did happen. Great way to start a relationship, right?

When I got off the phone I looked like this...

And then, the cat could hardly believe it either ...

And then, the penguins started dancing ...

And then, I put this guy in the post just because he's too darn cute ...

So who's my agent? I am represented by the lovely Lauren Hammond of ADA Entertainment Group.

And I couldn't be more thrilled! I'm really excited about her plans for my projects. Also, she represents many of my writing buddies. I love my new agent sisters! (And brothers, if there are any.) One of which, Shannon Duffy, I owe big time for referring me to her. Thanks bunches!

To add to the craziness of the week, two days after I accepted, I got an email from a revise and resubmit that was almost a year old. Of course, I made my apologies. I totally connected with Lauren and I love her excitement about my work. Now on to the next stage. Submission (whenever that is). Eep!

To all of you still querying, know that this was years in the making. Keep querying and never give up. I will be here to help in any way I can. Hugs!

We have winners ... Can You Hit A Perfect Pitch? Contest with Ammi-Joan Paquette

2012-01-23T08:22:00.003-07:00

I'm so excited! We have winners and more! I won't go on and on about how great you all are and how supportive this community is because you'll probably just skip it to see who got requests. So here it goes...

From our fantabulous judge...

Ammi-Joan Paquette

What a terrific selection and great variety! It wasn’t easy narrowing things down, but I’ve finally decided on the winners:

Winners = please send your full manuscript ...

“Extraction” (Stephanie Diaz)

“Jedda Hitler” (Jackee)

Runners-Up = please send first 3 chapters ...

“Black Lace and the Clock Tower” (Kathryn Sheridan Kupanoff)

“The Charge” (Sharon Bayliss)

“The Art of Falling” (Tess Sharpe)

In addition, there were a number of others whose entries caught my eye and for which, while they weren’t part of the winners’ circle, I would be interested in seeing a query with the first 5 pages sent to me. Those names are as follows:

What Evie Saw (Kendra Gale)

Bodyguarding Evil (Ryan James Burt)

Banking Trust (Project383)

The Second Sign (E. Arroyo)

Firekeeper (Rin)

Jeremiah Copperpot (Jess)

Ruhe (R.A. Desilets)

The Dim (Janet B. Taylor)

I’m Game (Riley Redgate)

Biters (Sarah Shade)

FireFlys (Mrs. Trujillo)

Thank you, Joan, and congratulations everyone!

Winners and requests to read more please email me at brendadrakecontests@gmail.com for submission instructions.

And don't forget to check out her most fabulous book . . .

You can get a copy here...

Amazon
Barnes & Noble

That's it, for now ...

It's on ... Can You Hit A Perfect Pitch? Blogfest Contest with agent, Ammi-Joan Paquette

2012-01-15T06:00:00.007-07:00

The contest is closed! Thanks everyone for participating and good luck. Please check back for the results soon!

~~Official Entry Post!~~
~~All entries must be posted in the comments below by 8:00am EST January 17.~~

It's finally here! Pitch your Young Adult or Middle Grade manuscript to agent, Ammi-Joan Paquette with the Erin Murphy Literary Agency. Please enter ONLY your entry to this post. If you have any questions, you can comment here.

About the agent...

Ammi-Joan Paquette

From her agency site ...

Joan joined EMLA in spring 2009 as an associate agent and was promoted to agent in fall 2011 after working in the editorial area of educational software development. In the last few years she has placed dozens of manuscripts with editors and is especially passionate about connecting with and launching the careers of debut authors. As the “East Coast branch” of EMLA, Joan works from her home office in Massachusetts, with long-distance support from the main Flagstaff office. She represents all forms of children's and young adult literature, but is most excited by a strong lyrical voice, tight plotting with surprising twists and turns, and stories told with heart and resonance that will stand the test of time.

You can read all about Joan here or here or here.

And don't forget about her most fabulous book . . .

The winners of the drawing for a copy of Nowhere Girl by A.J. Paquette by Random.org are ...

Angela Brown and Amy Jane Helmericks

(Please email me your addresses at brendadrakecontests@gmail.com to claim your prize.)

If you want to pick up your own copy of Nowhere Girl buy it here...

Amazon
Barnes & Noble

Here's how it's going down...

Here's how your entry should look...
--------------------------------------------------

Title: Saint Michael's Daughters
Genre: YA Paranormal
Word Count: 70,000

Pitch: Jude's been trained to save good souls, so when the hot bad-boy from her Catholic school is claimed by the devil, she'll break the rules and go to hell and back to save him.

I hate the confessional. The booth is too tight and just plain creepy. You think you can hide your sins in such a dark place but that's a ruse. I feel completely exposed. Vulnerable. I smooth my red and gray plaid dress-code skirt over my knees. The door shuts on the other side of the partition wall. The priest settles on the bench and slides the window open. I hold my breath, praying it isn't Father Romano.

"You know it be a bit early for a confession, Jude."

I exhale at hearing Father Kelly's Irish accent muffle against the lattice screen.

"Yeah, but I sinned …you know."

"You were here not quite a week ago. Surely, your sins can wait a full week."

I sigh. "Well, today's a big day. I don't want to go to the ceremony with sins over my head."

"Alright, then, we best hurry. The proceedings are due to start. Please kneel."

I yank up my socks, shift to my knees on the prayer kneeler, and make the sign of the cross.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I rushed my logline because I had fourteen girls from my niece's basketball team sleep over last night and had to get this post done during all the craziness. Anyway, you get the idea. Good luck to everyone!

There's still time to join in the fun. Sign up now! All entries must be posted in the comments by 8:00am EST on January 17.

Can You Hit A Perfect Pitch? Blogfest Contest with agent Ammi-Joan Paquette

2012-01-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's a brand spanking new year and I'm excited for our newest contest. Can you hit a perfect pitch for your Young Adult or Middle Grade manuscripts to agent Ammi-Joan Paquette of the Erin Murphy Literary Agency? This is a great opportunity to get your work in front of her since she's closed to submissions. Also, you'd be lucky to have her as your agent. She's always been so kind during our communications. You can read all about Joan here or here or here.

Not only is Ammi-Joan Paquette an awesome agent, but she's also a terrific writer. I just finished reading her novel, NOWHERE GIRL, with Annika. Usually, I have to coax eight-year-old Anni to read at night, but not for this story. She'd count down the minutes until bedtime so that we could find out what happens to Luchi. Anni would fall asleep, and I'd continue reading because I didn't want to stop. I didn't even mind re-reading what I read without Anni the next time we read. I learned a lot about creating characters and evoking emotions from reading this book. If you don't win a copy, you should definitely buy it. If not for yourselves, for a young person in your life. It's a fantabulous read!

I'm giving away copies of NOWHERE GIRL to a few lucky folks who comment on this post. Just answer this question in the comments below: What is your prison (figuratively and, for some, literally) and have you broken free from it (which, if it's literal, please comment anonymously)? I'll announce the winners on January 15 on the contest's entry post.

Here's a bit about her novel...

A lyrical and enchanting tale of a girl born in a prison, in search of a true home.

Luchi Ann only knows a few things about herself: she was born in a prison in Thailand. Her American mother was an inmate there. And now that her mother has died, Luchi must leave the only place she's ever known and set out into the world. Neither at home as a Thai, because of her fair skin and blond hair, nor as a foreigner, because of her knowledge of Thai life and traditions, Luchi feels as though she belongs nowhere. But as she embarks on an amazing adventure-a journey spanning continents and customs, harrowing danger and exhilarating experiences-she will find the family, and the home, she's always dreamed of. Weaving intricate elements of traditional Thailand into a modern-day fairy tale unique unto itself, Nowhere Girl is a beautifully rendered story of courage, resilience, and finding the one place where you truly belong.

Buy it here:

Amazon
Barnes & Noble

Here's how the contest is going down ...

On January 15th post a two sentence pitch (no more than 35 words) along with the first 150 words (if it falls in the middle of a sentence, go to the end of that sentence) of your finished Young Adult or Middle Grade manuscript to your blogs. From January 15th-16th hop around each others' blogs and critique or praise them. Revise your entries, if you want, and post them by 8:00am (EST) January 17th to the official entry post. DO NOT POST THEM TO THIS POST. If you want, you may skip the blogfest/critique portion of this contest and just enter the contest. I will have the official post up, along with details on how to format your entries, on January 15th so that you can start posting when you're ready. To participate, sign up on the linky below.

You want to know the prizes? The prize (or prizes) is a request to read more from agent, Ammi-Joan Paquette. I'm crossing my fingers for all of you. Have I told you how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE this agent? Okay, well, I can't say it enough! I totally <3 her!

What are you waiting for? Sign up now!

Win a copy of Trisha Wolfe's DESTINY'S FIRE

2012-01-08T20:21:00.002-07:00

Update: The winner of Destiny's Fire is Meradeth Houston.

Please email me at brendadrakecontests@gmail.com to claim your prize.

I'm so excited for one of my writing buddies, Trisha Wolfe, book release on January 10th that I'm giving away a book here and on DNA Writers.

About the book ...

It’s the year 2040, and sixteen-year-old Dez Harkly is one of the last of her kind—part of a nearly extinct race of shape-shifters descended from guardians to the Egyptian pharaohs. Her home and her secret are threatened when the Council lowers the barrier, allowing the enemy race to enter the Shythe haven.

As the Narcolym airships approach, Dez and her friends rebel against their Council and secretly train for battle. Not only is Dez wary of war and her growing affection for her best friend Jace, she fears the change her birthday will bring. When Dez’s newfound power rockets out of control, it’s a Narcolym who could change her fate…if she can trust him.

Dez’s guarded world crumbles when she discovers why the Narcos have really come to Haven Falls, and she's forced to choose between the race who raised her and the enemy she's feared her whole life.

Teaser ...

He released a heavy sigh. I barely heard it over the music. “Because, no one tries to take advantage of me if I get drunk. I’m not a hot chick that has to worry about some guy trying to get into my pants.” He looked me up and down. “Or my bustle.”

I stretched my eyes wide, amused. “So, I’m a hot chick?” I smiled. “And you’d probably look pretty cute in a bustle.”

He opened his mouth, then shut it. “Did you miss the point of that sentence?”

My thoughts...

I loved reading this book again in its finished state. The characters, action, and setting are fun. Dez is a kick-butt kind of girl with tough choices to make and it's fun to take the journey with her. Did I mention hot boys? Well, check below for the hot boy deets.

Hot boys ...

The author ...

Trisha Wolfe

You can find Trisha Wolfe on her website here or blog here or on twitter here. Buy the book here.Check out the blog tour here.

I'll pull a winner on the release day, January 10th. To enter, just leave a comment below and give Trisha some well wishes!

Don't forget to join Can You Hit A Perfect Pitch? Blogfest Contest with agent, Ammi-Joan Paquette (details in prior post).

Deja Vu Blogfest

2011-12-16T09:45:00.004-07:00

DL Hammons at Cruising Altitude 2.0 is holding the Deja Vu Blogfest on his site. So I just had to enter cause I'm lazy like that. I love that all I have to do is re-post something I've already posted before.That's how I roll.

Here's the deets...

In his words:

Some of my longtime followers (any of you still out there) know that I’ve broached this before. I even came up with the BLOG RECYCLE STATION where I encouraged fellow bloggers to leave a link to one of their favorite blog posts in the comments of that post. Innovative, maybe, but now I’m ready to do one better. Thus I've teamed up with three awesome blogging buddies, Katie Mills (Creepy Query Girl), Lydia Kang, and Nicole Ducleroir, to bring you….

How will this work? First, sign-up to participate with Mr. Linky below (or at any of the ladies blogs above), then shout out to all of your blogging friends and encourage them to sign up as well. Take the badge above and plaster it everywhere, blogging graffiti gone wild. Then on December 16^th all of those taking part will re-post their favorite blog offering, or one that never received the exposure it should have. Then as the day unfolds and everyone hops from one blog to another, what they will be reading is the best of the best (as determined by you). That day the blogosphere will be chock full of past writing brilliance! Encouragement, enlightenment, knowledge, bared souls, stimulation, hilarity, insecurities, success stories! All on display…the very same day…like no other time before. Some of them will no doubt be familiar, well-deserving a second read, but a good many will be the first time you’ve seen them. And it couldn't be any easier to take part...no writing necessary!

Go check the other participants' entries here.

Here's my re-post...

I wrote this last year for Christmas and it's something from my heart. It's just something about me, so I hope you enjoy it.

First off I'm a guest blogger today over at CA Marshall's 12 Days of Christmas blogfest. Please go HERE to check it out and leave a comment. She should have it up sometime today.

Okay, I absolutely love the song 'I'll Be Home for Christmas'. It has special meaning to me because of the story my father would tell with tears glistening in his eyes under the lights of the decked out tree each year. Back when my father was a little boy, he had a baby sister who was very ill. This was in the 1940s and medical treatments weren't as advanced as they are now. She died right before Christmas, and on the drive from the hospital, my father remembers the song, I'll Be Home for Christmas was playing on the radio during the ride home. From that time on, the song held special meaning for him. And after all the years that have past, he still remembers his sister's short life fondly.

As I was growing up, and as I had my own children, I would wonder how Meme (my grandmother) was feeling during such a terrible loss. Then came my son's illness at five-years-old. My youngest had Hodgkin's, which is a cancer in the lymphoid system. I remember the fear of losing him, the elation when he was cured, and the compassion I felt for all the mothers in the world who wouldn't be as lucky as me.

So, at your places of worship or beside your beds at night, say an extra prayer for the children, mothers, fathers, and those who love them. Be they stricken with cancer or other ailments, or protecting us in all the corners of the world, each person is someone's child or beloved.

Peace and Love to all of you. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Can We Guess Your Character's Age? Contest ...we have winners and more!!!

2011-12-13T15:08:00.005-07:00

It has been a whirlwind of fun on the blog lately, and it's because of all the fantabulous writers and friends who participated in this blogfest. I just want to say how much you all mean to me! Thanks for all the positive comments and critique love you sent to your fellow writers. Each of you should be proud of the work you've done. Congratulations to everyone! You may not have won the prize, but you're that much closer to achieving your goal of getting published.

I want to give a ~~BIG~~ HUGE SHOUT OUT to our wonderful judge, prize giver, editor, literary agent assistant, writer, blogger, journalist, Brazilian, insomniac, and word nerd extraordinaire, Gabriela Lessa! Show her your thanks by following her on twitter and her blog. Not only is she giving up three prizes to the winners but she's added more. Yay!

Gabriela Lessa Website
Follow her on Twitter here!

And now ... drum roll please ...

We have door prizes (I should just end all my sentences with an exclamation mark - I'm that excited)! Five to be exact. With the help of Random.org we've chosen five winners from the linky sign-up list who will each receive a query critique (no more than 500 words) by Gabriela Lessa...

Stephanie Diaz

Rebecca Buss

Jeremy Cook

Jamie Corrigan

Susan Francino

And Gabriela wanted to acknowledge the following honorable mentions...

#4 Taffy Lovell
#5 Sharon Bayless
#11 1000th.monkey

Gabriela really liked your excerpts and is offering a 15% discount on any one of her services.

And now, the winners ...

1^st place and the winner of an edit of first 30 pages + 25% off any services they want to hire is...

#2 – Robin Weeks

What Gabriela had to say about her entry ... Robin manages to catch the teenage spirit here. The vocabulary is appropriate to teenagers without being obvious, full of teen slang. Her character shows a concern with her looks, but it’s not overdone. She has a BFF and school bags, suggesting a teen, but she drives, so she has to be at least 16. Her voice in general made it clear for me that she was not a senior – she doesn’t have that air of superiority seniors usually have. So she had to be just 16. The way she reacts when caught, saying “like an idiot” seals the deal. I knew the exact age instantly and I didn’t need to think it over, but I didn’t feel like the author was hitting me in the head with it either. It flowed naturally. Fantastic!

Character's age: 16

2^nd place and winner of an edit of first 20 pages + 20% off any services is ...

#12 – Kendra Gale

What Gabriela had to say about her entry ... Great example of knowing how to differ an MG from a younger YA. The character’s concerns here and her line of thought show she’s not in high school yet. Every detail – from worrying about the teacher to justifying her actions – scream MG. Very well done.

Character's age: 12

3^rd place and winner of edit of first 10 pages + 15% off is ...

#16 – Melinda Williams

What Gabriela had to say about her entry ... Another one that not only shows this is a teen, but a younger high school kid. Everything in her actions and her reasoning shows a certain reverence to this head cheerleader, even if she’s hated. Her posture is not that of a senior, and the shock from the rest of the school confirms that. We can easily identify her age.

Character's age: 16

***All winners please email me at brendadrakecontests@gmail.com and I'll send you instructions on how to collect your winnings.

And don't forget, coming up on the blog in January...

Pitch contest with agent Ammi-Joan Paquette of the Erin Murphy Literary Agency. Joan only accepts submissions by referrals or conferences, so this is a great opportunity to get your work in front of her.

That's it, for now...

Can We Guess Your Character's Age? Contest ...Semi-Finalists

2011-12-12T09:35:00.006-07:00

We have semi-finalists! Each semi-finalist will have their own post, so scroll down and view each one. Please feel free to comment on the entries' posts (be nice in your critiques). I have to say that the writing and stories were so fantabulous it was hard to decide. I hope you got enough critiques during the blogfest to determine if your characters' voices matched their ages. Thank you to everyone for being so kind. I love this community, you all are so helpful and generous!

How it went down yesterday...

The three judges met at my home for a lunch of pancetta pasta, salad, red-velvet cupcakes, and triple chocolate hot cocoa. Yum! With full bellies, we played the game Can We Guess Your Character's Age? I'd read an excerpt aloud and each judge wrote down the age they felt the character was on a dry erase board. When we had finished, the judges had successfully guessed ages for thirty-five entries.

The next round was now about what voices matched the age the best. Enter my wonderful writing buddy, Erica M. Chapman who read late into the night to help me pick the top twenty. Thanks, Erica, you are so beyond awesome! (Please note: This contest wasn't about perfect grammar but about voice.)

I'm happy to leave the final decision to our wonderful judge ...

Gabriela Lessa Website
Follow her on Twitter here!

Gabriela Lessa is an editor, literary agent assistant, writer, blogger, journalist, Brazilian, insomniac and word nerd. In addition to being an Associate Editor at Turquoise Morning Press and an assistant at a major New York-based literary agency, she works independently to offer editing and consulting for authors. Her work is to make manuscripts shine! Check out her reasonable editorial and consultant rates here. She's simply great! Now, I wish I could enter *pouts*.

Follow her blog, it has some great information!

And, of course, we have prizes ...

1st place - Edit of first 30 pages + 25% off any services they want to hire

2nd place - Edit of first 20 pages + 20% off any services
3rd place - Edit of first 10 pages + 15% off

If you're not already following Gabi on twitter or her blog, please do - she's aAHmazing!!!!!

What did you learn from participating in this contest?

Check back in a few days for the winners! I'll be drawing names from the linky list of participants for door prizes.

Semi-finalist #1

2011-12-12T08:41:00.001-07:00

Name: Heather Webb

The voodoo priestess tossed entrails into the fire. My throat tightened at the stench, and sweat trickled in hidden places beneath my damp, cotton dress. I drew in a smothered breath, laden with ash and rain not yet released.

Mosquitoes buzzed. A night heron babbled in the brush. I twisted the sash on my dress into a knot. What possessed me to be so imprudent, to risk a lashing for visiting her, I did not know.

Shadows stretched from the edge of the wood, their familiar shapes turning grotesque in the fading light. The sun would set soon, and the walk home was far—down the mountain and through the pulsing jungle. Maman would worry. Papa might lock me in the cellar for my disobedience. Serpents slid from their dark holes when the heat of the day faded, seeking victims for their poisons. I had witnessed men convulse with frothing lips and blue-black swelling beneath their skin. Fear uncurled like ribbons in my belly.

Yes, nightfall was deadly, but I could not move. My fate shimmered in the acrid smoke rising from the fire pit.

The old woman chanted, her lips moving in a silent rhythm as she rocked to a sound only she perceived. Silver hair sprang from her head in unruly waves and her bent frame was wrapped in colorful cloth. Layers of wooden beads encircled her neck and a fetish of an Ibo god dangled. The slaves bartered for her potions, despite their fear of her. I swallowed my apprehension; purpose burned in my chest.