Brenda Drake . . . under the influence of coffee: February 2012

Monday, February 20, 2012

March Madness Agent Pitch Match. Game on. - The Details

Submission time for the exciting March Madness Agent Pitch Match (Phew. That's a twister) is fast approaching. Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are hosting this exciting event on our sites March 12-14. Check out my partners-in-crime sites in my sidebar. So far we have half a dozen agents signed up to participate. The agents we have are looking for young adult and middle grade finished manuscripts.

Here's how it's going down ...

The agents will be bidding on your 35-word pitch and first 150 words of your finished young adult and middle grade novels. The entries that make it into the match will be posted to our sites on March 12. The agents will have two days to review the entries and make notes on the ones they want.

On March 14 it's Game On. We'll have a twitter hash tag for the agents to post their bids and taunt their competitors. The agents will be hashing it out to win more pages or fulls on their favorite pitches. Each agent will have a limited amount of tickets/chips to bid with - partials cost less while fulls cost more. We'll have an official rules post before the fun begins.

Here's how to submit ...

Those of you who participated in our February pitch workshop already have a spot in the submission round. Shine up your pitches and send them to brendadrakecontests@gmail.com starting now and by the end of February 29 at 11:59PM EST. Put who critiqued your pitch in the subject line like this: Brenda's Workshop March Madness Entry or Shelley's Workshop March Madness Entry or Cassandra's Workshop March Madness Entry. Remember only enter if yours is a young adult or middle grade finished manuscript. Please format just as you did for the pitch workshop. (For those of you with other manuscripts, we're working on having a contest for you in the near future so keep an eye out on our blogs.)

It's going to be like the show The Voice. We will pick from the others workshop entries to move on to the Agent Pitch Match. Only one entry per person.

For those who weren't in the pitch workshop, we will have two submission times on March 2.

1ST SUBMISSION TIME: 12:00 pm EST for the first 50.
2ND SUBMISSION TIME: 6:00 pm EST for the next 50.

Only the best of the best will make it to the final round.

Make sure to check our sites on March 1 for instructions on how to format your entries.

That's it. I'm so excited!

41 comments

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #17

We're on the final day of our pitch workshop. Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall (Cass will be posting for a couple more days), and I are finished critiquing pitches. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques. I only have one critique today. Several who had signed up to participate didn't send in their entries.

After some debate, and due to time constraints (I'm trying to get my submission ready for my awesome agent), we decided not to make a call for more pitches to replace those not submitted. Plus, we have to start preparing for our big agent pitch event in March for YA/MG. So, come back in a few days and get all the details.

The winner (by Random.org) of the door prize (a $35 gift certificate from Editor Cassandra) on my site is...

DL Hammons

Don't forget to check Cassandra's affordable editing services!

And here is my final critique ...

Name: J Taylor
Title: Ballad Keeper (Love this title)
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

Word Count: 91,000

Pitch:

When Lana Kavanaugh’s dad disappears, she hops a plane for Ireland to find the mysterious Blaine O’Sullivan and unravel secrets within her dad’s Irish folklore research--before his life runs out.

B's notes: This is a great start and the premise sounds intriguing, but the pitch is too vague. Why does she want to unravel folklore research before her dad's life runs out? What happens is she doesn't make it before he dies? What happens between her and Blaine? Is there a romance? How is he mysterious? Give me some answers in the comments to get an idea about your story and I'll see if I can help.

Excerpt:

Irish air rushed across my face, dampening skin dry from eighteen years of Jersey’s smog and ten hours flying coach to Dublin. Green and salty, I took a deep breath of it. The clean oxygen flooded my lungs and quenched a thirst for Ireland I didn’t discover until that moment. In the dim neon light from the pub, I fished three yellow Euros out of my pocket and squinted at the indistinct numbers. These better be fifties, I thought as I pressed them into the cab driver’s palm. The scraps of paper resembled Monopoly money more than real cash. They stuck to his clammy skin before crinkling inside his tightening fist.

B's notes: This sounds older than a YA for me. I'd work on getting some of your character's voice and a younger view of things in this paragraph. Make sure to use things that a teen would notice not an adult.

“This place is it?” I stomped around the green cab to where the driver stood grunting, trying to disengage my over sized bag from the pint-sized trunk. No way in hell was I letting him strand me at the wrong pub. “This is the only Gallagher’s Pub in Kilkenny?”

B's notes: This paragraph is what I was looking for in the first one but didn't find - a YA attitude. Work on getting that other paragraph this way and you'll have a great beginning. You had me at Irish air.

I hope this helps!

Remember this is subjective and others' may feel differently. So I'll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing ... be nice, which I'm sure you all will be, but I have to say it ... you know.

6 comments

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #16

We've made it to the 8th day of our pitch workshop. Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

Next up is ...

Name: R.A.Desilets
Title: Soul Therapy (Love this title!)
Genre: YA Fiction with a fantasy twist (Pick a genre - YA Paranormal Romance, perhaps?)
Word count: 55,000

Pitch:

Anxiety-ridden Jessica finds an herbalist to help her calm down. After drinking medicinal tea, Jessica falls into a deep meditation where she meets Luke, who she falls in love with. However, Luke might not exist.

B's notes: Love this! I'm hooked. Great premise.

Excerpt:

Jessica slumped in her seat. Her mother gripped the wheel, eyes set dead ahead, unwavering. Jessica had grown to know that look so well. It was when her mother got lost in thoughts of her father. The divorce papers seemed to take a lifetime to go through, but really, he was just gone one day. Her mother never really could get over that.

“Okay,well, I’m going to go inside, alright?” Other students flooded into the high school off of busses (buses). At least her mother worked so early enough in the morning that Jessica could get a ride. “Mom?” Jessica ran her fingertips over her mother’s white knuckles.

Her mother gave her the sideways glance and that sweet smile, used to cover up anything wrong.

“Have fun.” Her eyes shifted back, out (Did her eyes go out the windshield? I'd rework this. 'Her gaze returned to the windshield, unregistering.') the windshield, unregistering.

“I’ll try.” Jessica snatched up her bag and got out of the car. She closed the door with a bit too much force.

B's notes: This is written well, but it doesn't hook. Teens won't want to read about a mother and her divorce. You can have this later, once you've pulled your reader into your story. I'd start with a scene that a teen would like. Say, a class, gym, cafeteria scene. Mom can come on stage later, once your reader connects to your character and her life away from the parental units. What happens after mom leaves? Start there.

I hope this helps!

Remember this is subjective and others' may feel differently. So I'll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing ... be nice, which I'm sure you all will be, but I have to say it ... you know.

10 comments

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #15

We've made it to the 8th day of our pitch workshop. Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

Next up is ...

Name: Lisa Basso

Title: GRACEFUL DEATH
Genre: YA Paranormal
Word count: 72,000

Pitch:

Another sleepless night will kill fifteen-year-old Grace. Desperate, she tries a new sleep aid. The Grim-freaking-Reaper invades her room with an offer: don Death’s hoodie and become a reaper, or suffer a fate worse than death.

B's notes: I'm liking the voice here. The pitch switches thoughts and confuses me though. Does the Grim Reaper come to her after she uses the new sleeping aid? Does she die? And what fate worse than death will she suffer if she doesn't don the hoodie? Answer these questions and I'll give your logline a try.

Excerpt:

Not in the damn hallway. Anywhere but here.

A surge of dizziness claws its way over me. I sway on my feet, watching the Santa Cruz High School crowd thin.

“Whoa.” A chick I recognize from Geometry stops walking toward her next class. She comes one, two, three steps closer. In my warped vision , (I'd put a comma after this introductory clause) the closer she comes, the more her body jerks and jumps. I blink in the hopes she’ll even out. Her lipstick wavers from orange to purple.

“Doing okay there, Grace?” The guy beside her--clasping her fingers--leans in (I had to read this sentence twice - you might want to set commas or emdashes around 'clasping her fingers'). His eyes remind me of a toad’s, too far apart. But then again, the right side of his face is melting, so who am I to judge?

I whip up enough BS to shoo them away before things get worse, though I have no clue what I’ve said. Eventually they turn the corner. The hallway quiets in its empty state. I suck in air like a drowning person who’s just reached the surface. It doesn’t help. I can’t freaking breathe.

B's notes: Nice. I like what you've done to this. The voice is wonderful. You pulled me and I'm wondering what's happening to this girl. Great job! I don't see anything wrong with this excerpt, so I'll leave it to the commentors to have at it. Loved this!

I hope this helps!

Remember this is subjective and others' may feel differently. So I'll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing ... be nice, which I'm sure you all will be, but I have to say it ... you know.

0 comments

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #14

It's now the seventh day of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

Next up is ...

Name: Juliana Haygert
Title: Gypsy Heart
Genre: New Adult Urban Fantasy
Word count: 75,000

Pitch:

With a past weighed down by mistrust, Mirella finally finds hope in a new friendship with an unlikely guy, only to discover her mother’s lies about their heritage as Tziganes--a powerful and hunted race.

B's notes: This pitch is vague. Why is the guy unlikely? What are her mother's lies? What happens when she finds out about her heritage? What are Tziganes? Who are they hunted by? How are they powerful? I need to know more to help with this pitch. If you want to answer the questions above in the comments below, I'll take a crack at the logline for you.

B's additional notes: After getting more information from Juliana, I took a shot at her logline. Here it is...

'When her mother's lies unravel, and Mirella develops her hidden gifts, she discovers a secret world of hunters and their hunted – the problem is she's a hunted, and what they want is her heart, literally.'

I don't know if this works, but you decide. Narrow in on the theme of your story. You don't have to try to explain everything, you just need to entice an agent to read on. Good luck!

Excerpt:

Only a crazy person would spread out a blanket in the backyard to have a picnic with her plants. Well, my mother was ~~crazy~~ insane, so why not?

I crossed my arms and observed her for a few minutes. My mother rested sandwiches around the blanket, offered them to each shrub, and laughed out loud as if she had just heard a very funny joke. Untangling them from the thick gold hoops on her ears, she flipped her long black curls, and sang to the plants with her squeaky voice, her arms opened toward the warm sun.

I cringed and looked away, deciding it was time for me to pretend I didn't see her crazy(you use crazy several times in these first words - mix it up) stunts, like I had been doing for all my life.

Out of nowhere, a thick cloud blocked the sun and a cold wind blew on my neck. I turned around and gasped.

B's notes: This is a fun beginning. I love her mother. Ha. The voice is great and it flows well. Love the cliffhanger at the end. Wonderful!

I hope this helps!

Remember this is subjective and others' may feel differently. So I'll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing ... be nice, which I'm sure you all will be, but I have to say it ... you know.

7 comments

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #13

It's now the seventh day of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

Next up is ...

Name: Ella
Title: Temple Falls
Genre: MG Fantasy
Word count: 55,000

Pitch:

Law says girls can’t rule Chernadova. But they can still talk to the Gods; and those Gods are angry. From the clues the Gods send into her dreams, Nara, one-time princess, thinks she knows how to stop the plagues battering the kingdom. Damian, a crippled commoner, has other ideas. Nara must work with her nemesis to appease the Gods before the plagues annihilate Chernadova.

B's notes: This is a great pitch, but we were calling for 35-word loglines. Check out this site on loglines here: http://www.writersstore.com/writing-loglines-that-sell. If you want to write one and post it in the comments below, I'll critique it.

Excerpt:

Nara pushed her way through the soup of darkness. Her shoes clicked against the marble pathway towards the royal palace. The darkness covered her like a thick cloak, weighing her down; even though it was only lunch time. The absence of daylight still unsettled Nara. It had been like this for several weeks.

B's notes: This is well written and I like what's going on here, but it sounds a little too old for MG. I think it's the last two sentences. Make sure to pick appropriate verbs for the age group. I don't know the character's age other than that you mention it's an MG above. But by this beginning, I thought she was an adult.

But she knew how to fix it.

And she would tell her stupid cousin, even though he hardly deserved it. Anything was better than living under a dark cloud all day, every day.

B's notes: The voice is great in this paragraph. If you could inject this attitude above and below, it would bring out the voice better there.

It was strange coming to the palace without her escorts of maidens and royal guardsmen. But now that Nara and her mom were no longer palace residents, the entourage was gone. The guardsman at the palace gate, a fellow by the name of Warner who Nara had known since birth, bowed his head slightly as he pushed open the heavy iron gate letting Nara inside.

B's notes: In MG the voice is very important. It has to have the attitude of the age in it. You have it above. Make sure you spread it through out your manuscript. I definitely love this premise!

I hope this helps!

Remember this is subjective and others' may feel differently. So I'll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing ... be nice, which I'm sure you all will be, but I have to say it ... you know.

5 comments

Monday, February 13, 2012

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #12

It's day six of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

Next up is ...

Name: Alexandra Campbell
Title: MERCHILD
Genre: MG Fantasy
Word Count: 37,000

Pitch:

When a half-mermaid girl is kidnapped by a circus, she has to deal with power-crazy parents who hate each other, her hopelessly unhelpful twin sister, and a misplaced Leviathan in order to be free.

B's notes: This sounds like a fun premise. I'm just missing something here. How does she have to deal with power-crazy parents? Why is her sister unhelpful? How is the Leviathan misplaced? How does she have to deal with them to get free? Give me more information and I'll be happy to take a shot at your logline. It's almost there, it's just vague.

B's additional notes: Holy guacamole, this one is tough. Okay, I've tried coming up with something. If anything, it's a starting point. I could use some serious help with this one. Here's what I'm working with...

'Half-mermaid and circus freak, Annette, thinks living in a fishbowl, literally, sucks, but losing the song-spell controlling the Leviathan stuck on Earth is worst, especially when finding the song is her only way to freedom.'

Excerpt:

Annette was sure she’d be late, the way old Hazel insisted on curling her hair and tying it up in those ridiculous blue ribbons.Annette thought they made her look much younger than she actually was, more like eight than twelve. But there was no use arguing about it. She had to wait while her best, pale-yellow dress was pressed and smoothed until there couldn’t possibly be any wrinkles left. Then she sprinted towards the crowd gathered on the shore of her village. She was relieved, when she got there, that the circus hadn’t started yet.

A ferry boat floated in the bay with coloured lanterns strung along its deck. They shone like dozens of rainbows, light sparkling over the water. Annette spotted a few of her classmates in the crowd. She would’ve liked to have someone to watch the circus with, but each of them seemed to be wrapped up—mom on one side, dad on the other, siblings all around—and none of them returned her glance.

B's note: I love the idea of Annette rushing off to the circus and longing to watch it with someone. What's lacking for me is the voice. What year is this set in? The voice sounds like it's from another era. Your MC is twelve so they'd sound older than an eight-year-old, but there would still be a child's attitude. Sort of like...

'Annette just knew she'd be late. It was all old Hazel's fault for insisting to curl her hair and tie it all up in those ridiculous blue ribbons. Annette was sure they made her look much younger ...'

I'm sure you can do much better than my attempt. I find when I'm writing MG, I have to pretend I'm the character and talk out loud in their voice while writing. Of course, when my family is home, they give me strange looks. Ha. But I think they're getting used to it now.

I hope this helps!

Remember this is subjective and others' may feel differently. So I'll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing ... be nice, which I'm sure you all will be, but I have to say it ... you know.

6 comments

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #11

It's day six of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

Next up is ...

Name: Jade Hart
Title: ( still WIP ) Venom's Curse
Genre: YA Fantasy with mythological elements
Word Count: 90,000

Pitch:

Loka holds the worlds existence in her palm. And she's about to die. Poisoned with cobra venom, she must deal with Hindu Mythology and unravel the puzzle of who she is before eternal death finds her.

B's note: This logline is one word too long. It sounds like an intriguing premise. I have only one issue with it. How does finding out who she is prevent eternal death from finding her? I'd mix this up and rework this logline to make it more enticing. Check this site out for writing loglines: http://www.writersstore.com/writing-loglines-that-sell. If you want me to take a stab at your logline, answer the question above and I'll see what I can come up with. I'd like to see more of the voice in the excerpt here in the pitch.

B's notes: After getting more information from Jade, I've taken a shot at her logline. This one is tough, so help out if you can and let me know what you think in the comments.

'Being a Hindu goddess has its perks—dying continually isn't one—so when a cobra bites Loka, its venom erasing her memory, she must learn who she really is or die for good this time.'

Excerpt:

“Damn it,” I said through clenched teeth. “Not again!”

My eyes cracked open to reveal a saffron infused, gothic room with high vaulted ceilings. Thick heavy banners of emerald, scarlet (I'd add a comma here - but I'm an Oxford comma fan - you decide here) and cobalt hung, brushing whisper-soft, against the marble floor. The ivory marble was bitterly cold and unyielding against my cheek. It was polished to a perfect mirrored gloss, reflecting the image of the room upside down, like a crystal lake.

“Hello, Loka,”a gravel and husk voice said. “What a surprise.”

“No need to rub it in,” I said, hauling myself to my feet in an ungainly dance of vertigo. I was glad I'd died today when I was wearing under-wear. Yesterday would've been rather embarrassing, with the marble floor bouncing back my daisy knickers hidden beneath my high-lighter pink mini-skirt.

I glared at the three Gods in front of me, and all my memories of my past lives flooded back.

B's notes: I loved this excerpt. You pulled me right into the story. Great voice! I'd rework that line about the daisy knickers. How is the marble floor bouncing them back? It could just be me but I'm not visualizing it. But anyway - LOVED it!

I hope this helps!

Remember this is subjective and others' may feel differently. So I'll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing ... be nice, which I'm sure you all will be, but I have to say it ... you know.

15 comments

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #10

We're on day five of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

Next up is ...

Name: S.A. Hussey
Title: SEREN’S ANGEL
Genre: Paranormal Romance
Word count: 75,000

Pitch:

Emma’s gifts helped her find the man of her dreams, James. Unfortunately, he has another soul spirit (isn't soul and spirit the same thing) inside him that must be freed, requiring an ultimate act. Emma hates it – James will have to die.

B's notes: This sounds like a fun premise. I'd rework this pitch. As far as structure is concerned, make your logline one sentence. Make sure it flows nicely from beginning to end. Don't use past tense in your logline. Also, you should tell us what Emma's gift is.

'Emma's (gift) brings her the man of her dreams, unfortunately, he comes with baggage, another soul, and now the leech must be freed but it requires an ultimate act--her love will have to die.'

Excerpt:

Emma always loved coming here. It was her refuge in a crazy world that couldn’t seem to accept her. How many times had she ducked under the branches of the weeping willow as she wandered along the waters edge? Lost in thoughts and daydreams she traversed the many small paved roads stopping here and there to smell the pretty flowers that had been planted along the path’s edges. This was her place of solace; the quietness stilled her mind. Nobody judged or criticized her here. This place understood her, why couldn’t everyone else?

With her back against the tree trunk (comma) Emma pulled her knees to her chest, wrapped her arms around her legs, and then leaned her head against the rough bark. Emma’s gaze took in her surroundings; the marble stones, granite monoliths and cement crosses. Lakeside Cemetery used to be beautiful, but not anymore. Nothing would ever be beautiful in her world again.

B's notes: So the writing is good here, I'm just not getting pulled into the story enough. My interest piqued at this line: 'Lakeside Cemetery used to be beautiful, but not anymore. Nothing would ever be beautiful in her world again.' Your first line and first pages have to hook an agent. Do you think you're starting your story in the right place? I've been told, it's one of the biggest complaints, writers not starting where the story actually begins.

I think the writing itself would most likely get you requests to read more. The only problem I did find in the writing, was a bit of telling in that last paragraph. You don't have to tell us Emma's gaze is taking in her surroundings. She's the point of view character so we assume we're seeing things through her eyes, or rather, her gaze. Just show us the surroundings. Like...

'Chipped marble stones, tall granite monoliths, and aged cement crosses were choked by the overgrown weeds and grasses.'

Well, you can do better than that, I'm sure. I hope this helps!

Remember this is subjective and others' may feel differently. So I'll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing ... be nice, which I'm sure you all will be, but I have to say it ... you know.

2 comments

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #9

We're on day five of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

Next up is ...

Name: Ladonna
Title: Threads of Deceit
Genre: YA Steampunk
Word Count: 84,000

Pitch:

Seventeen-year-old twins, Isabell and Amelia Kincaid, (last name isn't needed) couldn’t be more different, but after their lives our (are) ruined, they must unite, becoming the perfect team to save what’s left of the royal family and reclaim their freedom.

B's notes: This sounds intriguing, but it's vague. How are their lives ruined? How are the twins different? What happened to their freedom? Did they get thrown in prison? What do you mean 'what's left of the royal family'? Were they murdered? How do they unite to save the day? Give me more details in the comments and I'll take a shot at your logline.

B's additional notes: After receiving more information from Ladonna, I took a stab at her logline. Phew, this one was tough *wipes brow*, but here it is...

'When huntsmen capture, Isabell and Amelia, their lives take a turn for disaster and they must unite to reclaim their freedom and stop a plot to murder the royal family by the King's right-hand man.'

What do you think? Help us out in the comments below.

Excerpt:

Isabell knew of several wild girls who snuck out of their houses. She had never considered herself one of them—until tonight. She grabbed her suitcase and tiptoed up the stairs.

B's notes: Great opening!

She stood inches from her mama and auntie’s door, willing her fist to bang on the grainy surface and tell them the truth. Tell her family what she had planned with the help of her sister. Instead, she stared at her fist and started to doubt her decision, but she didn’t have a choice at this point.

B's notes: I'm confused. Does her mama and auntie sleep together? Why doesn't she have a choice at this point? What's drawing her to tell her momma and auntie?

Still, she clutched the handle of the suitcase, sweat seeping through her fingers. This had to work. Her body tingled with a mixture of excitement and fear. Amelia, her twin sister, had the rebellious spirit not her. But it felt, so, so good. She lifted her chin a little higher. She was seventeen, legal, and allowed to do whatever she wanted, right? (This sounds like she's not too certain she's allowed to do whatever she wants. So why not just sneak out and not risk it?)

B's notes: First off, where's Amelia? Is she going with her? If they're sneaking out then why does she want to tell her momma? Doesn't make sense to me. You pulled me in with that first line. I thought, cool, they're sneaking out, but then the stopping to say goodbye to momma and auntie didn't fly with me. I'd love to see them sneaking out, arguing in hushed hisses, almost get caught, and then escape. Since this is Steampunk, maybe throw in a detail to get us in that mood. Like she turns off a gas-lamp or something.

I hope this helps!

Remember this is subjective and others' may feel differently. So I'll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing ... be nice, which I'm sure you all will be, but I have to say it ... you know.

6 comments

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #8

We're on the fourth day of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

Next up is ...

Name: TL Sumner

Title: FORBIDDEN SECRETS

Genre: YA

Word Count: 94,000

Pitch:

In a world where Celtic immortals live secretly among us, a seventeen-year old strong-willed track star and an eighteen-year old chivalrous Highlander must outwit an evil immortal before he permanently settles a centuries-old blood feud.

B's notes: Parts of the pitch intrigues me, but it's too vague. I'm vacillating between thinking this is just fine and thinking that it isn't. I think I would connect more if I knew the characters name. How is the evil immortal going to permanently settle the feud? Is he going to destroy the world? Or just wipe out the group he's feuding with? I think a little more tweaking would make this perfect. Something like... (Notice I'm not using my logline formula here. See I can have an open mind...sometimes.)

'In a world where Celtic immortals live secretly among us, Sara, a strong-willed track star, and Nathan, a chivalrous Highlander, must outwit an evil immortal before he destroys the world (or add bad thing he does here).'

Of course, use the characters' actual names. I think the ages and the things they do or what not made the pitch clunky. My sample leaves you five words to describe that evil thing the evil guy does.

Excerpt:

I always failed at ordinary.

Ordinary wouldn’t have weird, freaky, come-true dreams or a scar that ached when something god-awful was about to happen. Ordinary wouldn’t have guilt hanging over my head like an anvil. And ordinary would’ve snuggled under the warmth of my down comforter, especially on a rain-soaked Sunday. Instead, I dashed down the hardwood stairs and into the kitchen, runner-ready with iPod in hand, prepared to shave at least ten seconds off last week’s time.

Without looking away from the Asheville Citizen Times, Mom handed me my cell phone. “Sweetheart, do us both a favor. Don’t ignore your father this morning.”

Dad’s text read: Love the hills and they’ll love you back. Before I’d finished reading, the phone chirped again: Be one with the mud.

As I skimmed the article implying Dad’s contract wouldn’t be renewed, I hid the ache in my wrist because Mom didn’t need another reason to worry.

B's notes: I completely loved this right up to the last paragraph, which confused me. Is her mother reading the article? Or is it on the back page and she spots it? Make that clear. And why does she have an ache in wrist? Did she cut it once and it still hurts? Maybe figure out a better way to convey why her wrist aches. It could all be answered in the next paragraph, but I don't know. The voice here is great. The writing great. I would definitely read on.

Remember this is subjective and others' may feel differently. So I'll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing ... be nice, which I'm sure you all will be, but I have to say it ... you know.

3 comments

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #7

We're on the fourth day of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

Next up is ...

Name: DL Hammons

Title: Fallen Knight

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Word count: 105,000. B's notes: You might be a little over the mark with this word count. Check out these sites about word count here and here.

Pitch:

The Knights, middle-age friends, team with a female Private Investigator to find the person who attacked one of their group. Instead they stumble across a psychological killer intent on recreating high profile atrocities,including Columbine.

B's notes: You have some great information in this pitch, but I'm not connecting to it. Who is your MC? Does he fall for the female PI? What kind of group are the Knights? Do they ride Harley's? How was one of the group members attacked? I think the disconnect is because I don't know who's going to tell the story. A logline works best as a one-sentence pitch. A good formula to follow is... When such and such happens, the main character must do this in order to accomplish this. If you need more help with this, tell me more about your story in the comments and I'll give it a shot.

B's additional notes: After getting more information from DL, I gave his logline a shot. I'm not sure if this works, so please chime in down in the comments to help out. So here it is...

'When a fellow Knight member falls victim to a psychological killer's recreation of a high profile murder, Lee must join forces with (Name), a feisty investigator, to stop the creep before he enacts another Columbine.'

Yeah, I'm pretty much a fan of the 'When Formula'. Ha!

Excerpt:

Today was the day.

B's notes: This first line doesn't hook. Today was the day for what? I'd add something more enticing to this sentence.

Brady Jones told himself the same thing every morning. Deep down, he knew it was simply lip service, a way of puffing up his confidence and reminding him that on any given day, his life could change for the better. Just as it had in the other direction. He supposed he was like one of those people who bought lottery tickets every week, always looking forward to the possibilities. Like them, he never wasted time worrying about the countless days when his prediction had turned out to be false, preferring to remain optimistic. After all, the change he hoped for didn’t have to be anything earth shattering. Nowadays, his expectations were set pretty low.

B's notes: The writing flows nicely in this excerpt. I'm just waiting for something to happen.

This morning was different, though. He actually believed his pep talk. Self-assurance surged through him. It was already May, and the end of the school year was just a few weeks away.

B's notes: The writing is good here, but there isn't anything drawing me into your story. What is unique about your MC? All I get from this is that he's down on his luck and hopes things get better. Who are the Knights? I think your story starts someplace else. Maybe when the friend is murdered? Or possibly at a Knight get together. Check the next few pages or chapters to see if there is a better scene to start with. I've cut pages and sometimes chapters to find the perfect starting point in my stories. Remember, if this is important to the story, you can always add it in later after we are connected to it.

I hope this helps!

Remember this is subjective and others' may feel differently. So I'll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing ... be nice, which I'm sure you all will be, but I have to say it ... you know.

7 comments

Friday, February 10, 2012

Pitch Workshop - B's critique #6

It's day three of our pitch workshop. For ten days, Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are critiquing two pitches each per day. Click on my partners-in-crime pics on the sidebar to go to their sites and read their critiques.

And next up ...

Name: Mara Rae

Title: Forever Friday B's note: I love this title

Genre: YA Paranormal

Word Count: 85,500

Pitch:

When Friday discovers she isn’t just an immortal, but also the only one capable of killing another, she must leave everyone she loves or risk becoming a deadly weapon in the world’s oldest blood feud.

B's note: Love the pitch! Love the name. Love that she's an immortal and can kill other immortals. Love that she can be used as a deadly weapon. Perfect!

Excerpt:

Nothing lasts forever.

B's note: This is too cliche for my tastes - You can use this phrase but I would mix it up and make it your own. Especially since it's your first line and your hook. Something like...

'Not even immortals last forever.'

I'm sure you can come up with something better that fits your story.

That’s what my mom would have (you could use a contraction here - would've) said if she’d been there. She was always full of those little bits of grown-up wisdom, the kind that sound so good in theory but don’t really make you feel any better. Disappointment, heartache, anger; they all fade eventually. Even diamonds don’t really last forever. If she’d been there, my mom would have (would've) told me that the razor-sharp pain of grief would some day wither to a dull ache, and finally, to nothing at all. But she couldn’t, because she was gone.

Un milagro, they called me. A miracle. I heard the nurses whisper it to each other as they passed my hospital room. I saw it on the news for three days before my story was overshadowed by celebrity gossip and political scandals. And it was the first thing the Chilean doctor said to me when my scan results came back normal.

B's notes: Great excerpt! I'd just work on that first line. Was she in an accident with her mother and her mother died and she didn't? How did she survive? You really got me wanting to turn the page and read on.

I hope this helps!

Remember this is subjective and others' may feel differently. So I'll now pass it on to the readers to critique. Please leave your comments, and remember the rules of critiquing ... be nice, which I'm sure you all will be, but I have to say it ... you know.