I love the lush opening paragraph. It may be bordering on too many adjectives, but I love the richness. Given the genre, I think it works well as an opening paragraph. At the same time, an almost playful voice shines through.

I love your descriptions, they're vivid and the reader into the story. And as far as I'm concerned, you're obviously a talented writer.

However, I think as you continue, it becomes a more generic fantasy voice. It makes me wonder if this is a prologue, even, because it does not feel like a teen narrator? Especially the dialogue feels stilted and there's quite a difference between the reader and the story. I think there's a lot to be gained there :)

This is very distant voice for me - the whole page feels like a panned out movie intro scene. Like Marieke said, it's a lush description, and very beautiful, but it does feel like an omniscient narrated prologue. If the whole novel is like this, it might be hard to stay engaged with the characters.

Beautiful writing!

(Thank you both for the wonderful feedback! It gives me some ideas to really enhance this opening. Third person voice is definitely more difficult to pull off, especially beginning as I do with the antagonists. Hopefully this is a start at an improvement.)

In a secluded forest clearing stood two tall, shadowy figures lit only by the pale light of a glowing crystal orb. A reverberating melody, sweet and clear, began to sound. The soft white light brightened and danced to its rhythm until they both had to shield their eyes against its brilliance. Eventually it faded, but enough light remained to see through the darkness.

"Everything is ready. We can begin," the woman said, holding the silver crystal in the palm of her hand. It felt warm to the touch, the first sensation she'd experienced in an eternity. She had succeeded. A laugh of pure joy escaped her lips. Tonight they would end their banishment, return home!


His ice blue eyes were electric in their intensity. "Finally. I wanted to get this started an hour ago."


"The preparations take time," she replied, taking a deliberate step toward him. Leaves and twigs crunched beneath her feet at the movement, and she relished the sound. "They are out there waiting for us. Do you doubt me, or my abilities?" Challenge laced her words as she met his gaze.


"I never have, Aedalina. Actually, I am impressed that you were able to summon all those earthbound spirits so quickly."


She gave him an appraising glance, assessing his motives for the flattery. Most likely, to put her off guard. A calculated risk on his part, and one that would not pay off. She was not so easily dominated. A million emotions coursed through her--irritation, amusement, anticipation--all too overwhelming and new after so long of being trapped in that hazy nothingness. "I was not aiming to impress. The spell simply drew them back here for the main event. Our main event. They are awaiting their freedom, but they have no idea what is in store for them."

The prose here is beautiful in both the first and the second versions. You pulled me into the story and I'm curious what's going to happen. I do hear the voice and very much like it. And this is why they say reading is subjective. I would love to meet the main character, but then we didn't meet Harry Potter in the first book until the first chapter, really. You hooked me and I'd read on.

This is very lovely - lush and vivid - and it sets a strong scene. It's hard for me to gauge the strength of the voice throughout since this isn't the POV that I'm guessing most of the mss is told in. However, I think you show skill in your use of language here, and there's a nice tension right out of the gate.

IN-LINE CRITS
In a secluded forest clearing stood two tall, shadowy figures lit only by the pale light of a glowing crystal orb. A reverberating melody, sweet and clear, began to sound. The soft white light brightened and danced to its rhythm until they both had to shield their eyes against its brilliance. Eventually it faded, but enough light remained to see through the darkness.

"Everything is ready. We can begin," the woman said, holding the silver crystal in the palm of her hand. It felt warm to the touch, the first sensation she'd experienced in an eternity. She had succeeded. A laugh of pure joy escaped her lips. Tonight they would end their banishment and return home.

His ice blue eyes were electric in their intensity. "Finally. I wanted to get this started an hour ago."

"The preparations take time," she replied, taking a deliberate step toward him. Leaves and twigs crunched beneath her feet at the movement, (I think you can cut "at the movement" without losing anything) and she relished the sound. "They are out there waiting for us. Do you doubt me (deleted comma) or my abilities?" Challenge laced her words as she met his gaze.

"I never have, Aedalina. Actually, I am impressed that you were able to summon all those earthbound spirits so quickly."

She gave him an appraising glance, assessing his motives for the flattery. Most likely, to put her off guard. A calculated risk on his part, and one that would not pay off. She was not so easily dominated. A million emotions coursed through her--irritation, amusement, anticipation--all too overwhelming and new after so long of being trapped in that hazy nothingness. "I was not aiming to impress. The spell simply drew them back here for the main event. Our main event. They are awaiting their freedom, but they have no idea what is in store for them."

(Thank you all again for all your time, your generosity, and for such a wonderful workshop! It was exciting to be part of this, and I've loved all the feedback you have given. I just wanted to do my final post incorporating the in-line crits:)

In a secluded forest clearing stood two tall, shadowy figures lit only by the pale light of a glowing crystal orb. A reverberating melody, sweet and clear, began to sound. The soft white light brightened and danced to its rhythm until they both had to shield their eyes against its brilliance. Eventually it faded, but enough light remained to see through the darkness.

"Everything is ready. We can begin," the woman said, holding the silver crystal in the palm of her hand. It felt warm to the touch, the first sensation she'd experienced in an eternity. She had succeeded. A laugh of pure joy escaped her lips. Tonight they would end their banishment and return home.


His ice blue eyes were electric in their intensity. "Finally. I wanted to get this started an hour ago."


"The preparations take time," she replied, taking a deliberate step toward him. Leaves and twigs crunched beneath her feet, and she relished the sound. "They are out there waiting for us. Do you doubt me or my abilities?" Challenge laced her words as she met his gaze.


"I never have, Aedalina. Actually, I am impressed that you were able to summon all those earthbound spirits so quickly."


She gave him an appraising glance, assessing his motives for the flattery. Most likely, to put her off guard. A calculated risk on his part, and one that would not pay off. She was not so easily dominated. A million emotions coursed through her--irritation, amusement, anticipation--all too overwhelming and new after so long of being trapped in that hazy nothingness. "I was not aiming to impress. The spell simply drew them back here for the main event. Our main event. They are awaiting their freedom, but they have no idea what is in store for them."

I still love it. :D

Yay! I'm so glad =D