Wow, this is really interesting ! A conversation with a dead girl? Very cool.

I think that the voice here doesn’t fit what’s going on. She’s having a conversation entirely in her head, or at least a very non-public one, and it’s interspersed with baby info-dumps about the situation. I’d rather the voice be more focused – if this is largely a mental narrative, then let me live in your MC’s super fascinating head instead of asking me to jump in and out of it.

Does that make sense? Cool concept here – keep it up!

Ooh, I agree! I love the concept here!

However, while you have a fun and accessible voice, I found it hard to focus on what's happening. The balance seems off. The most poignant example of that might well be the first paragraph, because unless there is a good reason for the MC to focus on the weather forecast, it distracts me from what's going on.

I love that she's so nervous she tries to brush her teeth twice though, in those details her personality really shines through.

I'd love to get a better sense of her relationship with her parents. Right now, I don't really know how to place her rant, because I have no context.

Love the snarky comments!

I think there's a lot of potential in the concept and the voice, but it's a bit scattered at the moment. It's all coming across as a clever twist on the "As you know, Bob..." type of conversation

IN-LINE CRITS
The weather forecast said clouds with cool winds, with a small chance of sunny spells: a perfect example of British summertime. (This probably isn't the strongest opening sentence. I'd rather start with the MC than the weather.) I busied myself getting ready - stomach in knots - to see my folks. Halfway (changed to one word) through brushing my teeth, I recalled brushing (Double-use of "brushing") them earlier.

“Crap,” I spat and stared at the white gunge, annoyed at how the dreaded, weekly event was disturbing me. (I don't think you need anything after "gunge" to be honest. This would also elminate the redundant "weekly.") “I need to earn cash (deleted comma) quick. I need to sever my ties with them, for good.”

Flo, my best friend in - well, the afterlife – listened dutifully to my weekly rant. She sighed audibly in response. She knew I could never do so completely. They were vile, but they were my parents, after all.

My heart beat quickened unbearably. (Careful with the adverbs, like "audibly" and "unbearably." They're a bit overused at this point.) “No more Sundays eating food like puke and… well, everything else. Won’t it be great, Flo?” I forgot what I was doing, looking around for clues.

“You’re telling me,” Flo agreed, from where her spirit now lived. “But really, what’s the worst that could happen if you just called up and said, ‘Hey, you pair of evil freaks, screw you?” Ever the devil's advocate, which got awkward as she lived within the realms of my subconscious. Or something like that. I never did get a complete handle on exactly how it worked. (These last few sentences in this paragraph show the strongest voice yet.)

“Oh. I dunno, they might let my flat –or rather their flat – to someone else, financially forcing me to move back in with them. Or worse!” I gave up trying to recall whatever it was I’d forgotten to do, and swung my backpack in place, over my shoulder and threw psycho-pharmaceuticals into my mouth, helping them down with a great gulp of tap water.

I'm curious about what's going on here. I wonder if this is where your story should start? I get glimpses of the voice but its sporadic. I really hear it in that second to last paragraph.

I don't have anything to add to the others' comments. If you want to rework this and re-post it, I can give feedback on it. If not, we'll see what Lauren thinks.

My MS id with betas at the moment and this (I completely lost all trace of where this was being published/critiqued) till today? Only by doing a search for relevant keywords - thought I needed some SEO love on my blog - did I land here - almost two months late. The shame of it. And what with such wonderful feedback (which my betas would have been glad of). I'm off to use it and steal some of the suggestions. Thanks everyone and sorry I wasn't available to participate in this discussion at the time. *Cringe*.

Shah X

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